Lovely article from a woman who has never been in romantic love but acknowledges that you can be in love in many different ways and it doesn’t not have to meet society’s traditional model
It was never love at first sight. When I had first laid eyes on you I never took any special liking to you. After all, you were two school years below me and I had always known you as “S’ little brother”. That’s all you were to me. The circumstances provided no way for us to develop any sort of relationship with each other. Though in such close proximity within a small educational institution, we belonged to two separate worlds. I knew of your existence but I never gave you much thought. After 2014, everything changed. Your best friend became romantically attracted to me so you started coming around. Then, you and my best friend become romantically attracted to each other as well which led to us spending more time together. These circumstances caused our relationship grow from just mere acquaintances to people who communicate, though not intimately, but regularly. But even then I still felt no unusual attraction towards you. You were my casual friend, my boyfriend’s best-friend and my best-friend’s romantic interest. However, I did begin to notice that you were a cool person and even an awesome person at that.
Then I was informed about what you went through, how it changed your outlook on life and made your soul become darker, I discovered that you did not have the perfect life, nothing was handed to you, you had to work hard to survive and you’re still working hard to make a name for yourself. That is when I first became attracted to you. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever felt. I felt that I could relate to you. I wanted to become close to you. I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to love you. I came to realize more and more what a dark beautiful soul you were and how much I wanted to love that dark soul of yours with every fiber of my being. There was not anything you asked me to do or to give that I would refuse to do or give once I was able to. I wanted to love you the very way that Christ commanded me to love my neighbour.
Despite my desire to form a close, loving, intimate relationship with you and despite me trying to show you through my actions that I cared deeply for you, our relationship remained a distant, casual one for months. But I guess you knew I cared somehow but you just weren’t ready to open up yet. So in the shadows I stood, cheering you on from the sidelines, desiring for you to win, desiring for you to be happy.
And then something happened. Our conversations became longer. You shared a tiny bit more information with me. But still we weren’t there.
Then my birthday came and you messaged me. You held a conversation. We talked for the whole day, our conversations became deep and this continued throughout the summer. Finally we were close friends and I was able to tell you how I feel about you, how I was drawn to you and felt the need to be by your side, caring for you and supporting you. My love for you drew stronger and more intense, you became my top priority and could even be considered my guy best-friend. But at the height of our friendship we were now separated, you went to 6th form (A-levels) and I had just left 6th form at our Alma Mater to attend the University of the West Indies so we had to wait a few months until school had ended to see each other again. We were no longer hanging out as a group but as a trio (me and your best-friend broke up but you and my best-friend were still infatuated with each other after a whole year) and we met up at her house. For the first time, I really held you. After months of being emotionally intimate, we were now also physically close. I felt so safe and peaceful with you. I have never felt more joy and euphoria when lying in someone’s arms as I have felt while in yours. You make me feel alive.
I felt torn between you and my best-friend because you two both wanted different things and I knew you both can only be happy apart from each other. It was hard to please both of you. My best-friend decided she was going to stop waiting for you and move on. And you were left with only me by your side.The same way I was left with only you by my side after your best-friend broke up with me. Maybe we were meant to be constant. So I’ll be here as your queerplatonic partner, as your anime marathon buddy, your cuddle buddy and whatever you need me to be (except your smash buddy lol…unless we talking Super Mario Bros).
I want to do life with you. I want to live with you in a nice little house, somewhere quiet, so I can see you and be with you everyday. Luckily, you agreed to this idea. Me and you, in a committed, non-romantic partnership. And the struggle with being both aromantic sexual and Christian is that in order to fulfill my desire for sex, I need to get married. But my love for you even has me thinking that I should remain celibate, because getting married in an amatonormative culture can really mess with our arrangement.
I’m in love with you. And you don’t have to be alarmed at me saying this because you know what I mean. For me, there is no experience of romantic love, I’m aromantic. For me, love is love, there is no romantic vs platonic love. For me, love is unconditional, love is an action, love is a choice. And I choose to be by your side forever. I love you M and no matter what I always will.
Your nonromantic love
& possibly 1st girl to have a squish on you
So yesterday, I decided to send my friends a photo expressing my love for them, and one guy replied that telling him “I love you nonromantically” was a contradiction because love is romance to which I responded “Wow, you’re very amatonormative”. He also went on further to equate sex with love. I pointed him to Google to look up the definition of amatonormativity and this guy totally defends it by saying that all humans want love and I just view it differently because I’m religious.
I pointed out:
- Sex and love are two different and separate things.
- Most people tend to have sex for mere pleasure.
- Some people engage in romantic relationships, not even for romance or love but because they desire sex and view the fulfillment of this desire most appropriate within a romantic relationship. These relationships should however be specifically labelled as “romantic-sexual” relationships.
- Sexual desire and the desire to be loved are also two different things. All humans may desire love in general, but not all humans want romantic love or to “fall in love” and not all humans experience romantic attraction or romantic love (the existence of aromantics prove this). All humans do not desire sex (partnered sex to be more specific) either and the existence of asexuals further proves this point. However, sexual people may not desire sex for other reasons and whatever reasons they are, all are valid and we have no right to say they are broken and need fixing. That’s up to them.
- Romance can exist without sex. (Main proof- romantic asexuals)
- Sex can exist without romance. (Main proof-aromantic sexuals)
He still did not get my point because he kept arguing that I will always have a different perspective because I’m religious. Yes, I personally believe that sex is for marriage but I understand those points I made above and with him being someone who is sex-crazed and having constant casual sex I expected he would too. But that’s just another example of romantic-sexual relationship hierarchy in society. He is still chasing the “one”.
Meanwhile, I’ll be taking a nap. See you soon.
I’m very grateful for my friends and family. With all of the love, intimacy, support and physical affection I receive from you all I will never feel unloved, unworthy, lonely or miserable just because I don’t have a “boyfriend”. I could live my whole life being single and be even more fulfilled than people in romantic relationships because I have you.
But society has done a good job in making us believe that if no one is romantically interested in us or if we don’t have a romantic partner, that we are unloved or broken. It makes us believe that romantic love is superior to platonic love, that romantic relationships are greater than friendships and that only romantic relationships are worth investment and commitment. It leads us to limit love, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, sensual touch (cuddling, kissing, hugging etc) and commitment to only romantic relationships. You see, these things are essential to humans. And because these things are deemed as inappropriate within friendships, we all feel the need to chase a romantic partner to have such things because society says you can only get these things from your romantic partner. Remove those amatonormative glasses from your eyes and start to experience real love. Focus on loving your friends and family and developing close, loving, intimate relationships with them. Stop chasing romance.
We live in a society where it is totally acceptable and expected for us to go long periods without speaking to our friends (notice I said ‘friend’, not acquaintance, which is a more casual superficial relationship) and brush it off as being “grown” and “busy” but when it comes to our romantic partners, we are expected to maintain steady, consistent contact and communication with these individuals and to invest a great deal of time in building intimacy, love etc no matter how busy we are. We are expected to sacrifice our friendships and familial relations at the drop of a hat to please our romantic partners. How often do you see a person leaving their hometown to follow their friend overseas because they don’t want to be without their friend? Rarely, but we do this for our romantic partners in order to maintain the relationship. Yes, I do acknowledge that we can have friends who we love dearly and go a certain amount of time without speaking with them but why don’t we view romantic relationships the same? Is it because society has this messed up idea that romantic relationships are worth more than friendships? We prioritize romance over friendship. Our romantic relationships are of a higher priority than our friendships because we all know when someone/something is a priority we make time for it no matter how busy we are. Simple! How often do you go without speaking to your “significant other” or someone you are romantically interested in? Because we are not romantically interested in our friends (let’s be honest, most people don’t have close, passionate, intimate friendships. Friends are just people they hang out with, share a few jokes and common interests with. They don’t have deep relationships with their friends, especially if they are of the gender which they are sexually and romantically attracted to) we don’t see it necessary to invest time in building an intimate, sensual, loving relationship with them because society says we only want to spend time with, touch and be emotionally close with someone out of romantic interest for them. It’s a society that tends to romanticize any emotionally intimate, physically affectionate or sensual, deep, meaningful friendship. It’s an amatonormative culture based on a romantic-sexual relationship hierarchy. Even if these close friendships are accepted, they are only viewed as appropriate during childhood/adolescence. Growing up means leaving friendships behind in pursuit of finding the “one” and any close friendship is viewed as having an “emotional affair” because we are only to be close with our romantic-sexual partner. A world where romance and love are not seen as equal, where sensuality and physical affection are not so closely linked with romance and sexuality is a more loving world for everyone.